Dead Ringers meets Spike Milligan
by SparklySequins
Summary: Dead ringers Spooks sketches. Dedicated to Em because she is a star!
1. Chapter 1

**Right then... On YouTube there is the episode of dead ringers that features Spooks.**

**On the Spooks Information forum we came up with plan of making our own. As I am a bit pants at writing fanfiction but very sarcastic I did this... Unfortunately it turned out more Spike Milliagan than Dead Ringers. So if you dont like the concept don't read. Thanks to Em for looking at it for me!**

**It is based on the meeting room scene near the begining of episode 3 series 5.**

random exterior shot of London that is slightly pointless but prettyful all the same

Cut to…

_Random scene of someone looking very suspicious… and lets throw in a box that we presume is a thermo nuclear bomb but could, for all we know well be the latest import of tea_

_Really cool subtitle saying some random time with a picture of not Thames House"24 hours earlier" that looks vaguely Spooks like, because after episode 10 (when some idiot lost this font) we found it again!_

Ruth: I am going to say something very quickly and passionately about how wrong it would be for Al Queda to posses a big bomb that would destroy London… by the way I love you.

Malcolm: No one really ever listens ot me they tend to get bored so I will say something short and impersonal that will offend Ruth.

Ruth: Does no one have feelings!

Ros: I'm going to say a totally pointless and irrelevant line to make myself sound mean and because I haven't really said much this episode; I will not become a Zaf/Jo.

Ruth: Shut up bitch… oh wait I'm the intellectual one… insert passionate no one should die sarcasm here . How dare she come waltzing in here with all her lines?

Harry: I can't not take Ruth's side as it is glaringly obvious that I love her but she is being rather naïve because everything involving this show is complex!

Ruth: I will say what I just said again because no one ever listens to me even though I am right about everything! Why does everyone hate me today?

_Harry pulls typically Harry, very peculiar expressions… not dissimilar to if I was chewing a wasp._

_Adam look at ceiling for no reason._

_Jo stare at screen because it has pretty colours_

_Zaf… said as much in that scene as if he had actually been there._

Harry: Well I am going to say something that sounds wonderfully impressive and strong. I will defend our nation, even if it does kill me! Now for a serious brooding expression to hide the fact I am wondering if Ruth thinks I am attractive.

Jo: Oh I haven't said anything for a while… I know I will state the obvious and ask a question that there is no answer; it might make me seem smarter.

Adam: God I'm sexy brilliant and certainly not cracking up, I can be cocky because I know the answer so ha ha.

Harry: Why do I have to look so serious? Well I know you wouldn't have said that unless you had an answer so I will ask you to save time brooding… maybe I can go brood in my office and look smexy.

Adam: I will say the answer that I could have said 2 minutes ago now! God I'm good!


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi, I have come to inflict yet another chapter on you, sorry. **

**A quick explanation, this is based on the opening of 5.8. If you have seen this recently it will make some sense, well -ish!**

**The pink socked lawyer is the bad guy who was in Harry's office at the start of the episode. I think his name was Charles. **

**Thanks to Em for the beta again, she is a total star hugs! **

Shot of the pretend Thames house with subtitles in the usual font (they haven't lost it yet, that's episode 10) "Thames House, London, MI5 Central HQ"

Invisible Harry: You can't just release this random guy who the audience don't know about yet and doesn't really feature in the plot except from being shot!

Pink Socked lawyer: Like, they _so_ can

_Harry does his 'I am annoyed, I miss Ruth look'._

Harry (visible!!): Oh shut up you pompous lawyer wearing pink socks! You lied to me! Grrrr

Pink sock lawyer: Needless to say - yet I'm going to say it anyways - the prime minister (_nothing like name dropping_) is upset.

Harry: You lying toe rag (or words to that effect).

Pink sock lawyer (_grinning like a Cheshire cat who got the cream.)_:You need baby-sitting, to make sure you dot the i's and cross the t's appropriately…screw the other letters.

Harry (_pulling a sceptical 'I'm pissed off and I want Ruth back NOW' look)_: Do I get a prize for guessing that the point of this whole scene is for you to say that you are now standing over me with a ruler policing my handwriting!

Pink sock lawyer: I am seriously smug!

Harry: Shut up!!!

Pink sock lawyer: I'm going to give you lots of boring instructions…

Harry: I need to tell the audience who Mansoor is and explain the plot while getting to be sarcastic. Who said only women can multi-task? I shall release my inner femininity and look like a have swallowed a wasp to go with the bee I ate last chapter.

Pink sock lawyer: I'm not the enemy Harry. But my socks are, ha ha!

Peculiar camera angle: how very dare they make Harry blurry!

Harry: No but with friends like you! Hmm, I really am getting a lot of sarcasm this scene, I bet if Ruth was back I would be more cheerful!

Pink Sock lawyer: If Harry gets to multi-task so do I. I will be camp and say yet another pointless line that makes me seem like a smug muppet!

Harry is in focus!

Harry walks out of office and is out of focus again… NOOO! Oh, wait…much better he is in focus now!

Harry: Why do I always have to be the one to explain the plot to my staff!?

Adam: WHAT!? I now need to pull the most peculiar facial expression possible, I really hope the wind doesn't change…it is important for me to show outrage.

Harry: The bloke, who we have now been told about several times, is going to be set free. I still need to look pissed off; if only Ruth was here I could smile at her. She would have figured out the plot hours ago. Shame nobody would have listened to her.

Zaf: Wow, I get a line! A line, a line! But, in the words of Harry Hill, it is, in fact, just me deflating very loudly!

Jo and then Adam come into shot, but wait, it isn't them speaking! It's Ros (either that or she is a ventriloquist): Let me just re-clarify the plot so far… yes, again! I mean if you really should have figured out we are annoyed about his release by now but a bit of sarcasm works wonders. I also need to be very, very angry like the rest of the cast (when you actually see my face that is, bloody camera hogs).

Harry: Again I have to explain stuff! Then again a line is better than no line, poor Zafar!

Adam: Someone really needs to explain how bad this is and why we are all pissed off, I need to have more lines than Zaf too; two for the price of one, get in there.

Harry: Time to give out instructions to my flock! If Ruth was here she would have figured out by now that, in fact, this is really a diversion from the real plot that involves the aftermath of his death! But on the bright side I get another typical Harry 'I will defend this nation' line!

Pointless, pretty London exterior shot; it is a cloudy day and there are some Barges on the Thames…lets look for RUTH!!!

BBC News 24 - the bosses get yelled at if they use Sky News - appears, again explaining the plot, another time Ruth.

Very nicely framed shot of Grid, where they are all watching the news.

Harry: Hmmm, time to say _another_ 'I will defend the nation line' and get annoyed because no one in a position of power likes me! I have an urge to pout!

Adam: (who has been on the phone for like 10 seconds) lots of cities have raised their alert levels, and I feel the need to tell you this as it is totally relevant to the plot.

Mansoor appears on screen! So that's who he is!!! And back to the Grid.

Ros looks also very pissed off. You'd think at least someone other than the pink socked bad guy needed to be cheerful in this opening but no.

Mansoor (on TV): lots of Muslim extremist stuff!

We now go into the TV and see him for real!

ZAF is on screen, and he has gone again, back to Mansoor and lots of confusing snippets that flash backwards and forwards… eek! And then gun fire!

People on Grid flinch except from Harry and Adam who are as hard as nails. Ros, on the other hand, flinches _before_ the guy even shoots himself, wow she is psychic!?

Adam: Tell me that wasn't us Harry!? We might have done it in our sleep!

_Harry does his shocked face that would, were it not for the fact he has no other fish like characteristics, make him look like a fish!_

OPENING TITLES!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Dead Ringers returns! Its a bit different this time, its in the format of three different sketches. **

**I dont own Spooks or Dead ringers... thanks godness. Thanks to Em for the Beta.

* * *

**

**Beginning **

_A small white Reliant Robin parked across the road from _ _Thames__ House with Surveillance van written on it in large 'invisible' letters on the side._

_Cut to: The LARGE interior of the van _

_Five people are inside, who we don't know are from MI6 yet (but it's a fairly safe bet as they don't look like Mossad). There is also a lot of fancy looking equipment with cool coloured lights and buttons on! _

"How come we always have to be the corrupt bad guys?"

"Tell me about it!"

"There must be at least one of us with morals and decency."

"What gets me is how we manage to fit so many people and so much technical looking equipment in here"

"Shh you guys, I know this bit is generally irrelevant to the plot due to the many plot twists but we should at least pretend to be doing something suspicious"

_Cut to a monitor they are watching, which shows the Grid meeting room. Harry, Ros, Adam, Jo, Malcolm and 'Zaf' are sat round the table. _

_And role the credits! _

Harry: While looking serious I am going to say lots of dialogue explaining this week's complex plotline… and so on and so on and so on. If only Ruth was here and we actually listened to her the next 50 or so minutes would not be necessary.

_Cut to graphics on a big screen with several typos. _

Jo: time for me to ask a stupid question again, it is my one skill in life.

Ros: I wish Ruth was here, now I have to say long lines that no one really listens to, all while being displeased and mean at the same time.

Adam: Time for a cunning plan that is bound to go wrong in some way as we don't know the whole story yet because we can't be arsed to read to the end of the script.

Ros: Have I mentioned the greater good yet? Or a pointless metaphor? Oh well. This plot will destroy London in a similar that way my roots mess up the continuity of the show.

Harry: I will just sit here and pull odd expressions, don't mind me. At least I look more 3D than that bloke sitting next to Jo whose name I can't remember.

Malcolm: You don't mean me do you? There's no need to insult me, I am very English, totally harmless, and busy developing a crush on the female spook that is least likely to date me.

Harry: No Malcolm, I mean him.

_Gestures at Cardboard!Zaf_

Ros: Must be budget cutting, I'm sure the audience wont notice.

**Undercover Scene **

_Exterior shot of _ _London__ that serves no purpose. _

_Ros and Adam undercover. _

Adam: My name is John Baxter and I work for the government. No one will ever suspect my real job.

Ros: At least your surveillance equipment works: one or more of the technical devices has to break an episode to facilitate the drama and make us look less like incompetent idiots. Today it's the turn of my implausibly small invisible earpiece.

Adam: oh well, who needs to talk to Jo and Malcolm anyway. Jo is bound to screw up anything she tells you.

Ros: There is that. I really wish that my character had a backstory; I mean there must be some explanation for my lovable demeanour.

Adam: Sorry mate, it's my turn to have a story arc. I know it is the Adam and Ros show but your turn comes later, if I ever get over my depression and PTSD.

Ros: I'll be killed off by then.

**Fight scene **

Adam: Every episode must have an element of violence!

Terrorist: Not yet, you haven't asked me to explain why I did it, to buy you more time for back-up to arrive seeing as you came here on your own!

Adam: I don't need back-up; I am Adam; I always go it alone! And by the way, this isn't Miss Marple only the main cast - excluding Zaf, Jo and Malcolm - do explanations…not you!

BBC boss (ominous voice over): Stop plugging other non-BBC shows!

_Fight begins: insert your own ridiculously loud sound effects here e.g. BANG WHAM and so on_.

Ros: Let me join in the fight. I don't bruise and I hardly bleed when I cut myself. I am indestructible.

Adam: This is Spooks; no one bruises or bleeds that much. I mean what kind of a TV show would it be if people left fights looking like they had actually had a fight? Also, you're female so you will, undoubtedly, die a nasty death, randomly vanish, or have to go into hiding soon.

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End file.
